Years have passed, and I am a married father now.

  I am going to jump in and explore trying to become a copy writer. So I am trying to find my niche. Th e first question is what do I love to learn about and could talk about all day? Talking all day makes me think of younger years. It makes me think of late nights in Brooklyn over a bottle of whiskey. But there arte things I love to learn about. Art, film, history, comics, theatre, sociology, philosophy, travel, Japanese carpentry, anything Japanese really, different cultures, different lifestyles, and the why of things. That's what I wrote down. I think there are a lot of things I like to learn about. I like to learn about space. Other planets. I love every class I take, because learning is exciting.

 It can be hard for me to find the time to research things.

 I do believe I have somethig to share with the world. It just has not fully formed yet, because it has been sqeezing out in numerous outlets.

 I am looking forward to my poetry class tomorrow.

Brief words on weighty thoughts

      I am not sure how apparent it has become but I finished watching the new cosmos series. The last episode is about global warming. I have always been concerned about our treatment of the environment, but now it hurts my brain. There is no way to get the world to stop. We are a machine that knows only how to ravage. This world is our Eden, and in our foolish knowledge we are destroying it. What will life be like once we have gone to far? Or how far will we let it go?
       I always liked dark sci-fi, now I don't know. Maybe I need to write one.

Vague dreams of getting off the carbon train

     My blogs sound like the ranting of someone overflowing with thoughts and feelings with no particular clarity. Which they are. I hope that I am able to find some clarity through these writings.
     I have always felt concerned about the environment and somewhat alienated by my culture. I feel completely powerless to what we are doing to the world. How are we supposed to wake up each day and compete with each other for our egotistic desires while we drive this machine out of our exploited garden of eden? I often ride myself for not having figured life out by now, for not being more successful. But I don't know if I am composed of what it takes to be a success. There are just too many things going wrong in our world for me to promote my own existence.
     I am not on the right path. I don't want success, I want the time to make art, the community to be social, and the environment to support the natural world. I can visualize that. A relatively self sufficient artist colony.
    I know a number of people of people who have lived or were raised on communes. The conclusion is that they don't work. People get isolated, people get weird. Major drama ensues. Then they crash and most people move away, leaving some small core of die hard members that either become more mentally remote, or spend their time away from the community anyway. Thus the end. I think one hurtle is this us and them feeling. first of all, people moving to the country in a group probably have some major issues with the consumer based society they are leaving. then they band together and head to some remote place. Us and them. So once the us starts to show cracks they run back to the them.
     I like living with people. If I leave my house I can't just be around people. I can walk the streets. I can pay money to sit in a bar. But I cannot be with people who are letting their guard down and just being themselves. Maybe it is a hold over from school, I spent fifteen years of my life waking up and going to a communal  place. Sure sometimes people are loud and annoying. They are often messy, and then you have to watch them flirt and hear them have sex. But so what, I have experienced all that and we still wake up the next day and carry on. It is the amusement of our lives. Like my friends who watch and talk about their dogs interacting. Just something to do. I also believe that it is in our nature to live communally, That we will work together and are able to feed each other better than on our own, and that we use our resources better. I believe that the road to a more harmonious life style is through group living. That our materialistic society could learn from going back to the land. And that maybe this outlook could solve the us verse them relationship.
      More ranting. It is all just an idea that I have no way to make a reality. But I think about this stuff, because I am trying to find in my own little way a path not to stop or change society, but to forge options. Because the world is being destroyed and I am bummed about it. And I feel like we are all a problem because there is no divergent coarse then the one we are on. There is nothing else to be but a carbon pumping world destroyer.

Sugar coated dreams of homelessness dancing in my head.

     I should elaborate somewhat. Living in my bus is seriously high class for homelessness. I have bed, bath, and a kitchen. I don't really have a way to bathe, but I have the comforts I need. I have not lived in the bus since last fall. I feel like I still remember the negative sides. People who do not like or understanding your existence, cop that want to ticket you into oblivion, because,.. well they don't like or understand your existence. And the loneliness.
     I have not lived alone much in my life. It never seemed like a financially viable option. I am an artist.  what I do with much of my time has never been profitable to my pocketbook. So I have lived cheaply and in houses with often a large number of roommates. So going home to a quiet dark bus, parked on a forgotten street that does not garner much attention was often difficult for me. One of the few times I have gone to a bar just to be around people. But those are some of the challenges of my previous life.
     There were a number of benefits. Wonderful things I got aquatinted to, like freedom. I painted and drew nearly everyday, simply because I wanted to. I want that again. I want to drive to the painted hills just in search of a landscape to soak in.
      Of course if I left my job and did such a thing the gas money alone would render me broke in a matter of months. I wonder how many years it will take to be financially stable. To live from my art sales. Ha, A silly question that not only is a pipe dream, it leads us the wrong direction. Away from creativity. All the most successful artists these days seem to be excellent business people. But being good at business may have little or nothing to do with their art. Art always has to be inspiring to the artist. That is why it matters. Why we work so hard to bring it in to this world.
     Strangely, I really do believe in a paradigm shift in our world. And in my lifetime. 'Cause it has to happen. Our lifestyle has to cease. That is the only reason, we will avoid it as long as possible, but our bubble is breaking. So what does that have to do with living in a bus. Life. That's what it is. When things stop, when the car crashes we get out and start living , right then. And that is the nice thing about living in a bus. Sure I am still pumping gas into an outdated engine, but I don't feel like an engine, out dated, maybe, but myself. How I maybe feel if the world banks collapsed and everything went wildly normal.
      That's one thing, collapse of our system is both incredibly difficult to imagine, and very simple. There maybe mayhem and looting in the streets, and there will also be cooperation as well. People will surely be wandering around talking to eachother. There won't be much else to to. Not until they decided where to start farming. Collapse of our society just seems like our probable future to me. And it doesn't sounds too abnormal to me.
      The question is, once it becomes apparent that it is happening, will we let the present day wealthy try to turn the world into a feudal system again. They're probably working on it right now.

Our own way.

     For me accepting that I am a failure as an artist is inspirational. It allows me to look at where I am at, what I have done, and where I am going, or not going. Other people think it sounds negative. It allows me to ask questions. First of all, why do I even want success and what does that look like. I want some variety of monetary success because I want the time to be an artist. If there is one thing that does irk me it is that all these years I feel held back as an artist simply because I do not have the time, or after my regular work I do not have the energy to focus and grow as an artist. The years go by and this thing that I love, this activity that breathes life into my soul is neglected. Do I care about being a great or important artist? Umm, no, not particularly. I like it as a concept because rationally I know that if someone deemed me as a great or important artist I would not have to work so hard selling my stuff. But that is not a genuine motivation. Wanting to be somewhere so that you do not have to work to get there will never change anything. So I have to learn how to sell myself. Or I can simply focus on creating and producing work that is exciting enough to me to want to promote, or should I pursue my wilder ideas of creation that are interesting enough to make who I am and what I am about vibrant and attractive.
   Really I cannot due any of this 'cause I go to go to work on Monday. But the good news is when I am done with my job I won't be broke, right. So maybe then I can pursue the big dream plan.
    I am definitely going to do it my own way. I have never been a self promoter. There is a Rakim quote, "It's not where you have been, It's where your at." I know people want to know what you have done, what credentials you have, why they should choose you for so and so. But to me that sucks the life out of what was and where I am going. I want where I am to take me to the next step. Is that a pipe dream? Maybe. But maybe if I can actually share what I am doing with you. Maybe if this world wide web thing really connects us all across the globe. Maybe I can feel like I am reaching out to the world. Maybe we can all make art. Maybe we can change the world
   That sounds like a whole lot of bullshit. The time, however, is now. We cannot live in this world the way we do any more. This paradise we call home is heating up. I cannot watch my planet be destroyed in my life time. It is no longer just about being successful as a painter or illustrator. It becomes about living for your ideals. Maybe I do not have the resume to achieve as an artist, but I have the mettle in my beliefs, the foment in character to be an individual in a world driven to conformity.
  It is time we got off the track.

A new leaf

    I have decided to embrace computers again. I have not a,ways had a benign relationship with these machines. As a teenage I would much prefer to hand write a paper then sit down infront of the glowing green screen. The hum of the computer made it hard for me to think, and I felt this voice in the back of my mind choking back a scream. I knew that my aversion of computers would hold me back from being successful in life. I did not care. Every field I liked was moving towards computers, one more reason to be a drop out in society.
    Well twenty years later, I have come around. Mainly because I am done with people. That sounds weird, I will explain. I have so much I want to do, every day I am trying to work on numerous projects. I don't have the time for friends, for a relationship. It is time and commitment. There are so many things I need to do in order to feel fulfilled, and I always feel behind. I have been wrestling with these things my whole life. I am too social to ever have enough time for my interests. Then it occurred to me, conceivably I could have some social connections on the internet. I can't really get into face book. It is just not for me, But it allows me to see the possibilities.
     In some ways this seems like a silly blog. I am a do it or don't do it sort of person. Don't talk about doing it, your wasting your energy. I have tried to get into computer usage before and been repeatedly repelled. Maybe this is the time. May this be a first step to a new relationship to the world. Talk soon.
  -Ta, Julian

What a beautiful morning

        I love them. Mornings like this. Crisp cool, a perfect autumn beginnings. I rode my bike over the bridge, some thing that is particularly special, 'cause I just got the bike and am rarely up and at 'em in the morning.
      So much has transpired since last I was able to converse with you senor blog space as I will refer to you now.
      It is interesting to write as often as possible. Many times I try to write and contemplate something that matters to me. But my brain tends to be rather cyclical in this department. I am always trying to make something happen and am generally about three steps behind. So i am trying to stay focused, amp myself up and work it. Then I sit down to write and realize I have the same thoughts propelling me forward. While what I want to write about are the little moments. The spaces in between, where I can find myself both in my life and outside of it as well.
     The world gets crazier with every minute. It becomes even more important to find the space that sets you free. freedom is the ability to be yourself, and to explore into your definition of what that means. The world will only get more complicated, more of a confusing mess, and more violent. Why? We, as in the human race, have created this scene, predominantly dem whit-ees from Europe and the states. Take a long view. Like the martians in a Phillip K. Dick's story. Colonialism still exists under a new name. The boarders of Iraq were drawn up by England after WW1. We have no place in the middle east and yet we have involved ourselves in shaping their history for a hundred years. the mistakes of the generations before us cannot be erased.
     I am not religious, and yet Jesus' words come to mind. "Forgive them, they know not what they do." Maybe there is a Father in there. But it is so true. Escalation in Hong Kong, to the point no one can back down. Another school shooting seemingly every month. In the center of all the violence in the middle east Israel brashly murders to display their might. Ebola runs rampant. Russia is on a mission to reinstate it's aggressive history. Global warming becomes more apparent as storms and droughts rage. And through it all our politicians become more racistly isolationist, power hungry, and just plain ineffectual.
    My generation has inherited this world. I hope we will start to do something serious to attempt to set it right. I am not with great faith, but will continue to dream. And hopefully i can squeeze out some more beautiful mornings to tool around, wheels spinning, as the air flows over my face and into my heart.