Some things I can never quite balance, my desire to be social yet not drink and smoke, my desire to create in isolation and yet not have a way to share my art. My whole life I have wrestled with this. Of course college is all about creating these environments for students, and I probably should of gone, but I still have lingering resentments with my family and I hate debt, like with a passion. Even the little bit of it that I am in now drives me mad if I think about it. My mother was always in debt, juggling cards from one to the other. Stressed me out even then. Well she would freak out about how screwed she was, and she was. Wait I am not going down this road again.
I am going back to Eugene. The reason that bums me out is there does not seem to be any future there. Here in Portland I am homeless, painting and doing alot of this, waking up in coffee shops writing my thoughts. But I feel like something could happen. I feel like I may make a connection, may sell a painting, may meet an artist. It seems like the future has potential. Weather that potential is coming into fruition does not seem to matter so much. It is enough to get me out of bed and into the world. Eugene does not have that. So am I stepping into my own depression pool, where I will sink down into the wet Willamette valley, no purpose, no direction, craving paint but missing my muse.
Of course it only has to be for a few months. That could be the time I need to get a website up and an etsy account.
I have been working within myself to stay focused and try to be almost an archetypal artist. This person who lives to create and is in many ways sustained on that desire. It has started to burn me out, I feel lost and floundering. I know my place is out there.
I should join some artist community somewheres.
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