I tell myself to stay on track, don't loose your focus, get her done and all that jazz. But maybe i am going about this all wrong. Maybe my simple attempt to stay focused, maintains a serious demeanor to my nature and does not allow me to see all the possibilities, to react and alter my actions by the events around me. Maybe I am building personal cage, like the ones everyone else living around me lives in. One of those protective little bubbles that lets no one in, keeps me safe from odd comments and unwanted judgements. Being an artist is about casting down these walls and living in a dynamic world. Too bad I suck at that. Maybe if I was not raised in such a frigid uptight city like Boston I wouldn't be naturally wrapped in this callous armor. Nice considerate people don't fuck with you, they observe and listen. And then there are the people who just have to be all up in your shit. I am coming off to stern and clear cut here. Many people approach me painting and are completely cool about it. What I am trying to say is that there are crazy weirdos who make us build up these defenses against the world, and those people go away, but our defenses don't go down. It is nearly instinct for me to not engage people on the street, to keep my head and eyes ahead. While if i feel rejected by this or any other city, I have to question myself, how much have I really done to be accepted in the first place.
This gives me a moment to complain about the digital realm. Americans naturally avoid communicating, as part of an extended avoiding conflict by never going near people in general. But now that we have this whole new world we have even less reason to want to communicate out in such a savage place as the street. We can eradicate all human contact if we wanted.Why bother it is only going to be painful. Ha. We have just made it too easy to avoid each other.
DAMMIT
Am I going to move back to that hippie hamlet? I do not want to, but there is only so long I can live on the streets in the bus in the city. Dude cop was right. It is a lifestyle that could of worked in the seventies or even eighties. But not now so much. Which really heightens the issues of our time. America in general and Portland in particular is trying to grow, make money, look cool and hip and be an awesome place. While at he same time inflation is spiraling out of control, college prices are ridiculous, unemployment is high and rents continue to climb. Our society is telling itself a lie where ever the world is not shitty enough for it to be obvious how much BS that lie is. Portland happens to be one of those places. Mainly, television is our torch. As long as the news hour does not depress us, and our shows keep coming on, we will continue working and eating. And the world spins on.
Maybe Eugene will not be such a bad step. The reason I wanted to leave in the first place was I was done with the partying scene. Eugene was just too little and I felt like there was nothing of interest to do there. No women to meet and try and impress.
The real core of my thoughts this day is that I have not actually embraced being an artist living in a bus. Yes, I do not know what tomorrow will bring. That is not a problem. Yes I have to think about what I am doing for the winter. But Eugene will be there. Nothing is going anywhere, except maybe me.
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