This day started with clouds. I was supposed to paint but the first moment I groggily became aware of where I had parked, it was the rumble of an old vw engine, I knew it was a Portland overcast. I pulled out a skill I have in such situations, and went back to bed. Now it is already after noon and I am sitting down for my first cup of tea.
I am on a pier. A long way from the from the noises of other people and their society. Out here I sometimes feel alone. Isolated from society for they do not know and could not understand my situation. there are other presences here, ghosts. Sometimes I feel them, sometimes I do not. The painters who have come before me. Van Gogh, is one of the more powerful phantoms.
Both of us found our love for art in the world and in the paint. We felt rejected, both self imposed and not, by the art community, predominately because it turned into a social clique of haves, rather than a community. So we did it our own way. Sons of preachers we only had to believe in our hearts. We would find a way.
fortunately I am not as crazy as he.
Aahh, the rain has arrived, and I have just made plans to walk a bunch of miles across town. I have always seen elements of my life that are quest like. I have never been able to pursue financial success. It was just not in the realm of my motivation. i want to make a better world. But it will not happen, the intent of people is not altruistic. Humans run the gambit between good and evil. some switch their natures on a whim. But society promotes certain perspectives. American capitalism thrives on competition. We enjoy seeing each other struggle and fight to make it, to get to the top. We promote individualism and independence. And we equip ourselves for this environment. Selfishness is a part of individualism, if no one is looking out for us but ourselves, then we hold on to what we got. We cannot learn to give unless someone shares and gives to us, and we recognize it. All of these attitudes and beliefs foment a mood to a place. Every town and city in America is different, and they all share a similar core through national discussions. Here in Portland we are liberal. Community is on some level generally accepted.
I lost my train.
there world is not going to change. There are no avenues that I can see. It is not that our system is solidly built. It is not. Which is why the people running spend so much time and effort promoting it in our minds. It is and always will be as solid as our belief. That is why above anything else television and commercials, media, they all promote our way of life. American as apple pie and football. A burger on a grill instills nostalgia. A fondness for a sunny afternoon that may be a memory compounded on many summer days, maybe one single moment that we felt good, felt at home, or may be a complete fabrication, the American moment we honor. It is about the way the memory feels more than if it is true. It is the same way in our society, our world. Do we feel good. Or has something soured in our hearts.
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