What is this place we call our world, and why do we let it get so fucked. Not actually a history lesson.

      Meaning. I think that is all I have ever really searched for in all these days on this planet. In some ways it is so simple, a purpose, a direction, a reason. And in some ways it is the hardest thing to wrap my extended digits around. It is why I have always worked hard at my jobs and yet lost interest so quickly. Ultimately that sense of purpose is what has made me throw everything I have into being an artist. But today it is calling in a different way. On the eve of new war, new violence, and new suffering. I am wishing art had the power and influence to do something. To hold back the hate that we are spawning between these countries, and these ideologies. What comes to mind is how easily ISIS or whatever group or people are being killed by American bombs will be able to spin this. It becomes more and more a holy war, and we the in the church of Capital are sending a strong message that we are better, that we should be running and profiting from their country. Listen, I know their are many sides, many casualties, people are being killed, and for the wrong reasons, because they are not with this violent movement. Kurdistan would of fallen if not for America's support. But this is pure madness. We have to trust our leaders, but I have no way to believe that they will go against a track record that goes back since their founding. Ultimately because we are a military industrial complex no matter how much we pretend to be on a humanitarian mission any one can claim we are acting in our own interests, because we are.
     Now how do we find meaning in a world where our government has been getting in or getting out of a war every decade for a hundred years. Our own personal meaning is mute is the face of these atrocities. And yet what do we do? I protested the war in Iraq while living in New York. Did it help, possibly in some miniscule way the world was able to see that the city of New York and the country of America was not dead set on slaughtering brown people. But hat is not much consolation.
     But really what does one do? Apply to do humanitarian aid work? Maybe, possibly some research is in order. really you are still not going to do anything to help the situation, but to put a face on the atrocities. Hell, maybe that is what I should do. Sometimes an artist needs to put a face on something, put it in perspective. Hmmm, maybe my life will take a turn. But if I do do that, and get a job doing some relief work I hope i am not surrounded by religious types.
    Some people look at me living in my bus as some sort of pariah, sucking on society and lazing about. If they realized how much every action, every movement of my life was a quest. Searching for a role that does not feel shallow. ISIS has been recruiting a younger generation by appealing to how hollow and empty living in these ruling first world capitalist countries is. America's response is essentially if you are foolish enough to go against us we will kill you, no matter who you are. In many ways by saying that the CIA or whomever writes these things is just playing into their hands. They are saying we do not give a shit if our society is meaningful or spiritually satisfying, we run this world, and you don't cross us.
     To someone like me it just seems sad. I know meaning is not a universal thing. You cannot put a band aid on the hole in ones soul. And if you did it would look very different from person to person. For me finding meaning right now would be painting every moment of my life, besides eating. I crave expressing myself through such a malleable medium as paint. Unfortunately my mental life is dominated by finding ways and becoming emotionally entangled with the act of selling this art. I do not expect the world to give to shits about my own dreams and quests, but I do wish that there was a little more interest in why we do things and not such unabashed drive to grab wealth and power for ourselves, the individual. It is the dark side of our individualist freedom.
     Reminds me just how much we are like the empire in Star Wars. Damn, we need an emperor who shoots electricity out of his fingers. And I want a storm trooper outfit. Every American deserves one.